I am fortunate to work for a company that provides valuable health insurance. Naturally, this led me to an annual dermatology appointment last week when I was asked to update some paperwork (and treated myself to some Botox to erase the wrinkles related to Divorce).
One of the questions asked: What is your marital status?
For the first time since my Divorce was finalized, I had to check the box indicating my status: Divorced. The “D” word. Little does the dermatologist know the amount of money, emotion, and bravery that went with the position to check that box, nor the satisfaction that came along with it as well.
There is really no way to positively define Divorce, but the Oxford dictionary documents this marital status as “the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or other competent body.” Leading up to my Divorce and post-Divorce, I found myself attempting to redefine the word. I wanted to find a more comforting definition and one that reflected the circumstances and turmoil that led up to my Divorce. Upon reflection though, I find it is much healthier to reinforce it.
Here’s what I mean:
· Divorce is by definition Divorce. I have some friends who are very civil with their ex-spouses. They can attend birthday parties together, take the kids out to dinner together, and some even go on vacations together. If you are fortunate enough to have those same circumstances, good for you…but that is not the norm. I cannot be friends with my ex-spouse. I cannot let him misinterpret the boundaries I have established for our life as a “Divorced” couple. I chose to legally dissolve my marriage for a reason and therefore must reinforce the very definition by maintaining and enforcing clear boundaries. We have a business partnership and only communicate by email or text. This kind of documented communication is critical as it can serve as an exhibit should you ever need to return to court with your ex-spouse for any reason. And although I attempted to avoid it, three years post-Divorce, I find myself back in court and this documentation has reinforced my case.
· Prevent a crisis instead of managing one. Like me, you may be checking the “Divorced” box on medical paperwork. If you are in the process, you may experience crisis after crisis in dealing with your (soon to be or) ex-spouse. A mediator can be of great assistance and help you avoid lengthy legal trials and associated expenses. It is much easier to prevent a crisis than to manage an ongoing one by yourself. Ask your attorney if the mediation process is recommended in your case to reach agreements related to (but not limited to): property division, spousal support, child support, and child custody. I can personally attest: the mediation process saves tons of time and money. If you do go to mediation, expect to pay the mediator and your attorney for their time and expertise. Budget accordingly as it is an expensive day; but a mediated resolution can save a lot of time and money in the long run.
· Conditions are incurable. Face the conditions by which you came to Divorce and realize that they are incurable…otherwise you would still be married. Always remember these conditions. While it is important to forgive so that you can move on in a healthy manner, it is critical that you remember that your Divorce is not a setback but a setup for the life you deserve. Your ex-spouse is not going to change who they are and if you are waiting for him/her to, you are ruining your own day. Join a support group and make sure you are kind to yourself. Acknowledge that there will be setbacks and disappointments but nothing is worth your peace.
This is your official reminder to schedule your annual appointments and check that “Divorced” box with confidence when indicating your marital status. Perhaps you should make an appointment with your attorney or a mediator as well. Three years post-Divorce, I regularly review my attorney’s website, social media and blogs to gain knowledge, inspiration and support in dealing with future situations. Do not redefine Divorce, but reinforce it.
– Anonymous Client
“Through the Client’s Eye” blog series stems from the desire of Modern Legal clients to share information to those who have yet to endure a family law matter. Each client’s story is exquisitely unique; however, there are many times when a client will say at the end of the case, “I wish I had known…” This blog series focuses on filling that gap as a means to help anyone who is about to start or is in the midst of a family law dispute. The comments contained in each blog reflect the feelings and viewpoint of the respective client. All identifying information has been withheld to protect said client’s identity as well as any related legal matter.
Inspired by her own experiences with domestic violence and the family court system, Theresa E. Viera became the first lawyer in her family, graduating from the University of North Carolina School of Law. She has dedicated her career to helping families find healthy solutions through various legal tools, including negotiations, mediation, collaborative law, and litigation when necessary. With years of experience in Family Law, she strives to inspire others and make a positive impact on the lives of her clients, just as her mother’s attorney once inspired her.
