Unfortunately, when you watch television shows or movies that include segments about divorce, they almost always depict the most destructive divorce possible – think War of the Roses – remember? Or more recently, think of one of the most expensive divorces in history –Jeff Bezos and MacKenzie Bezos!
Well, divorce doesn’t have to be vicious or ruin you financially. Your family does not have to be annihilated. You do not need to feel diminished as an individual. No one wins or loses in divorce, despite what the movies (or movie stars) lead you to believe. Working together to resolve issues allows for you and your family to heal and move on.
For several years, beginning before the 1990s, there have been movements toward dispute resolution in an effort for individuals divorcing to separate more peacefully. In North Carolina, and specifically in Mecklenburg County, the alternatives to court-driven litigation include collaboration, mediation, and arbitration. While arbitration is much like litigation but conducted outside of the court, collaborative law and mediation are both great alternatives to the fighting that people typically associate with divorce. Collaborative law and mediation provide a more peaceful and dignified ways to end your marriage.
The mediation process and the collaborative law process allow you to remain in control of your life. While you and your spouse may not be communicating well together, the lawyers by your side and involved in these types of cases work will help empower you to make decisions that meet your interests and the interests of your family. Thereby, instead of a stranger in a courtroom telling you what to do with your family and finances (yes, I’m referring to a Judge), the mediation process or the collaborative law process allow you to stay in control of the outcomes.
Mediation utilizes a neutral person – usually a family law attorney who has received advanced training and has become a certified family financial mediator. The Mediator works with you, along with your attorney (in most cases but is not required), your spouse (and maybe your spouse’s attorney) to facilitate a resolution that is ultimately agreed upon by you and your spouse. Mediators can either mediate specific issues, like custody, or can mediate all family law issues that need resolution. The idea is that the Mediator assists both of you in recognizing positions that may not be tenable or may be downright unreasonable, and then the Mediator guides each of you to think differently. The goal for the Mediator is to help both sides reach a resolution.
In North Carolina, you will be ordered by the Court to attend some sort of Mediation process for both child custody and property distribution matters. Because our court docket is so full, and property distribution matters have lower priority than some of the other issues related to your separation, it could take 6 months or longer to be ordered to mediation for property matters. So why not attempt a voluntary mediation now to get that requirement finished rather than prolonging the inevitable? For many, it just makes sense; and even if you are ordered to mediate, the Mediator can also assist you with resolving other matters related to your separation or divorce, such as child support and spousal support.
Once you have done the preparation for it, typically you can get into a mediation session within a month. If you have to wait for the Court to order it, then schedule it, and then attend it, you could be looking at 9 months or longer.
Divorce is difficult, divorce is hard, divorce is sad, but divorce does not need to be ugly. It does not have to be a War of the Roses! These alternative dispute resolutions are always available as alternatives. In most cases, the mediation process or the collaborative law process allow the spouses to divorce peacefully, which allows a chapter to be closed and a new one to be opened in a healthier way.
If you or someone you know wants to learn more about Mediation and other Litigation Alternatives, our Modern Legal Team is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Deb L. Dilman
Prior to practicing family law, I worked for many years in the financial industry. While I enjoyed this career in business, I wanted to do more – I wanted to make an impact on the lives of my community that would empower my clients throughout the test of time. I wanted to work to make lives better and inspire people to make important decisions for themselves and for their families. I completed my undergraduate degree in Business at Queens University in Charlotte, North Carolina. Eighteen years later (2003) I received my law degree from Syracuse University College of Law. And, for over fifteen years, I have represented children through the Council For Children’s Rights Custody Advocacy Program.
