The Birthday is often one of the most important days of the entire year for any child. And in pursuit of the “best birthday ever,” a child’s desires for their birthday may be met with mixed feelings now that their parents are no longer in the same home. Yes, a divorce wreaks havoc on all parties involved even if resolved amicably, but have you given serious thought to the changed world that your child will have to become accustomed to? It is not uncommon for a child’s only birthday wish to be their parents getting back together. But as adults, we know that this is likely not possible. Nonetheless, there are important ways that you can make sure that the effects of a divorce do not ruin your child’s special day:
1. A Child’s Birthday is NOT about You!
After a separation and divorce, whether it was a week ago or years ago, you will experience a wide range of emotions, including rage, fear, sadness, and even joy. One day, you may be excited to live the “single life” and then the next day you may be overwhelmed with grief for the loss of the relationship. On your child’s birthday, your emotions are impacting those around you even if you do not realize it, particularly your child. Regardless if you are going to your child’s school for a classroom party, hosting a birthday party with your Ex in the backyard you once shared, or having a low-key celebration at your house, remember you are the adult and you must put aside any negative emotions from your separation or divorce. The focus should be on your child’s birthday celebration. Note your emotions, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you can address these emotions at a later time.
Also, a child’s birthday is not the time to bring attention to yourself or your situation. You have a new boyfriend or girlfriend? Great, celebrate over drinks with your friends at any other time than your child’s birthday. You lost weight and are looking good in that new outfit? Appreciate the compliments, but refocus attention to your child’s birthday. Your child should be the focus, not you.
2. Taking into account your child’s desires.
When planning a child’s birthday, make sure you get to the heart of your child’s desires. Are you sure that your child wants a big birthday bash? Or instead, your child wants a movie night with a big bowl of popcorn? Is your child embarrassed because of the very real fact that both parents will not be there? The new home, the new room, the new school…the new situation may result in your child having very different desires than they expressed in previous years. Be sensitive to your child’s new desires.
Your child may also wish for something that is simply not possible. For example: your child has heard a lot through the wall, and your child’s birthday wish is that your Ex is no longer mean to you. But you know that you cannot control your Ex’s behavior (hence the separation). During these rough conversations, shift the focus to the love both you and your Ex share for the child. Remind your child that the divorce was not their fault.
Separation and divorce result in a rollercoaster of emotions, both for you and your child. A birthday may be the impetus that invokes the expression of all of these pent-up emotions. Remind your child that they are safe and give them an outlet to express these emotions. Avoid disparaging or dismissive language. Instead, attempt to understand.
3. Is a joint birthday celebration with your Ex possible?
“Absolutely not!” That’s okay, especially if the wounds from a separation or divorce are fresh. However, do you think you can compose yourself for just a few hours solely for the sake of your child’s desires? If your child desires a joint celebration, at least entertain the idea. Please note, you will also need buy-in from your Ex. If you and your Ex are able to put differences aside at a joint birthday celebration, then you may find that your child is more able to cope with the changed circumstances that accompany a separation or divorce.
However, if you or your Ex simply cannot handle a joint celebration, you can also entertain a range of alternatives. For example: the birthday can be hosted at a venue where one parent comes for the first hour and the other parent comes for the second hour. If this proposed birthday party arrangement still hits too close for comfort, maybe it is simply a situation that each parent will have a birthday celebration during their respective parenting time. And the child may even be more excited to have not one, but two birthday parties!
In the absence of a joint celebration, recognize that only one parent may see the child on the actual day of the birthday. If you would like to make sure you see the child on the birthday itself, you will want to work with your attorney to address birthdays in any custody agreement or order.
If you have one, refer to your parenting agreement or Child Custody Order on how birthdays will be handled. In my experience though, most parenting arrangements do not address child birthdays. If possible, avoid using the parenting agreement or Child Custody Order as an excuse or hindrance if you and your Ex figure out a better way to address your child’s birthdays. Regardless, if you know that your child’s birthday will be a point of contention, work with your attorney to adequately address birthdays in your parenting agreement or Child Custody Order.
If you are experiencing difficulties addressing birthdays in a child custody arrangement, our Modern Legal team is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Theresa E. Viera
