Rebuilding After Domestic Violence

Domestic violence a.k.a. intimate partner violence – the abuse of one person by another through the use of physical, sexual, financial, and/or emotional/mental tactics in order to intimidate, humiliate, or frighten – is often something taking place in the shadows of everyday life. Historically, it has been something that was not considered a crime. On the contrary, domestic violence was legally permitted and could rightfully take place to “keep order” – especially within a marriage.

Since the 1970’s, we have seen a shift in this thinking, and in 1994 the passage of the Violence Against Women Act by the United States Congress continued to shift long held legal stance about intimate partner violence. Today legal remedies are available when someone is in physical danger from an intimate partner. Even with these shifts, the fact still remains that getting out of an abusive relationship can be a complex and often dangerous endeavor and rebuilding following an abusive relationship can be a lengthy process that encompasses numerous areas of a victim’s life. Social connections, self-esteem, financial resources, and physical safety are common areas that are impacted by abusive relationships. Below are a few suggestions on how each area can be addressed and strengthened.  

Physical Safety:

It has long been said that the period immediately following the end of an abusive relationship can be the most dangerous for a victim. Working with an experienced domestic violence advocate on safety planning is helpful and encouraged. Safety planning includes:

• Identifying current and potential strengths or resources of a victim
• Current and potential threats to the victim’s safety
• Ways to remain as safe as possible and increase safety given the victim’s particular circumstances before, during, and after leaving an abusive relationship

In North Carolina, if a victim is in actual or fear of imminent harm from their abuser, the victim can request a Domestic Violence Protective Order (DVPO). If granted, at the minimum, the DVPO requires an abuser to stay away from and not abuse the victim. It is possible that the DVPO can also remove the abuser’s right to purchase or possess firearms while the Order is in place – as it has long been shown that the presence of a firearm exponentially increases the lethality in domestic violence situations. A DVPO can be in place for up to a year and, under certain circumstances, be renewed for up to an additional two years.

If you fear for your personal safety or for the safety of your minor child, requesting a DVPO could be one way to increase your physical safety. If granted, make sure to share copies with necessary people and places such as your residence, workplace, school of your minor child(ren), and your local police department.

Some victims feel the need to relocate to increase personal safety or otherwise find mechanisms that do not share the victim’s new residence or location. An additional service that could prove useful is the Address Confidentiality Program through the North Carolina Attorney General’s Office. This program helps keep a new address private by routing mail through a substitute address.

Social Connections:

Isolation from friends and family often takes place in abusive relationships to the point that when a victim is able to leave, they often have lost any support system they once had or shared with the abuser. Finding ways to re-connect, maintain current connections, and create new connections is crucial. Those connections are what victims often lean on when going through the most trying parts of rebuilding. Without a strong support system, a victim’s belief of not being able or capable to leave can be reinforced and increase the likelihood of the victim returning to an unsafe and unhealthy situation. Support groups, regular phone calls with supportive people, and involvement in community events are a few ways to begin fostering a sense of connection and belonging.

Self-Esteem:

Often the abuse that was suffered was not physical. Rather, the most damaging form of abuse was the manipulation they endured in the form of emotional, mental and financial abuse. Small steps such as going to counseling, sharing and leaning on those in a support group, and taking financial literacy courses are a few ways self-esteem can begin to improve.

No situation is exactly like another. However, an attorney can discuss the various legal options available; a counselor can help with the emotional processing; an advocate to help with safety planning, skills and resource collection; a financial advisor can help establish financial independence; and a good friend may provide healthy emotional support and connection. Having a team of people will assist during the period of rebuilding. Rebuilding is a process and every step toward safety taken is a win that should be acknowledged and celebrated. Leaving is one step, becoming a survivor involves a rebuilding process that no one must do alone.

Domestic violence resources:

Charlotte Mecklenburg Domestic Violence Agency – Safe Alliance:

o  Website: www.safealliance.org

o  Phone: 980-771-4673(HOPE)

o  Email: info@safealliance.org

North Carolina Domestic Violence resources – North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence

o  Website: www.nccadv.org

o  Phone: 919-956-9124

Nationwide Domestic Violence resources – National Domestic Violence Hotline

o  800-799-7233

Address Confidentiality Program:

o  Website: ncdoj.gov/public-protection/address-confidentiality-program/

o  Email: acp@ncdoj.gov

o  Phone: 919-716-6785

If you or someone you know is enduring an abusive relationship, our team at Modern Legal is here to help.

Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where Theresa’s legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country. 

Written by: Tiffany A. Byrd