Divorce is supposed to be the end of a chapter, right? After all the stress of separating, dividing up assets, agreeing on custody, and signing on the dotted line, you would think life would start to smooth out at some point.
But here I am, four years post-divorce, and still dealing with the same issues from day one. The reason? My ex just cannot seem to stick to the agreements we both signed off on.
Sound familiar? If you’re nodding along, it might be time to consider taking things to the next level—Court. I know, I know, it’s not what any of us want. Ideally, we could just settle things like mature adults and move on. But if agreements are not being kept, you have to protect your rights. With a little organization and a whole lot of patience, here’s how I’m navigating the situation, and how you can too:
Step 1: Organize Everything (And I Mean Everything!)
First things first, you need to be organized. And I do not just mean filing away those old divorce papers in a dusty drawer. You need to keep track of every interaction related to your divorce, separation agreement, and any related Orders. Is your ex late on child support? Document it. Are they missing their scheduled custody days? Write it down. When you go to Court (if it comes to that), you’ll need a clear record of everything, so stay ahead of the game.
Tip 1: Use a spreadsheet or digital calendar to track missed payments, visitation issues, or any deviations from the agreement.
Tip 2: Keep copies of all communication—texts, emails, and letters. You can screenshot messages or even use apps that automatically save your texts for easy access later.
Tip 3: Make it a habit to jot down notes after every exchange. What was discussed? Were any new agreements made? Did they show up late for a pickup? Document it all.
Step 2: Leave the Emotions at the Door
This is easier said than done, right? It’s totally normal to feel frustrated (or furious) when your ex is not holding up their end of the bargain. There were many reasons for the divorce after all. But if you are thinking of going to Court, you need to keep things strictly business. Courts don’t care about the personal drama—they care about facts.
Tip 1: When dealing with your ex about an issue, focus on the agreement, not the emotions. Keep conversations factual and polite. If they are late on a payment, simply say, “The child support payment for this month is overdue. Please send it by [date].” No need to explain how a late payment makes you feel.
Tip 2: Limit communication to essential topics. You do not need to dive into why they are late or argue over their personal choices—stick to what matters: you did not get the child support payment.
Tip 3: When you do have to discuss things, practice deep breathing or count to ten before responding. It helps more than you would think!
Step 3: Keep the Kids Out of It
It can be incredibly tempting to vent your frustrations to your children, especially if they are old enough to understand what’s going on. But trust me, keep the kids out of it. Divorce is already tough on them, and adding them into adult conflicts only makes it harder.
Tip 1: If there is a disagreement, never discuss it in front of the kids. They don’t need to hear about missed payments or schedule changes.
Tip 2: If the kids bring up something related to the agreement (like asking why dad didn’t pick them up), give them a neutral, calm explanation: “Dad had something come up. We’ll figure it out.”
Tip 3: Do not use your kids as messengers. If there is a conflict, deal with it directly between the adults. The kids should never be stuck in the middle.
Step 4: Get Everything in Writing
One of the best ways to protect yourself is to get everything in writing. Even if your ex makes a verbal promise to “catch up on child support next week” or “swap custody days,” it means nothing unless you can document it.
Tip 1: After any verbal agreement, follow up with an email or text confirming the details. For example, “Just confirming that you’ll make the missed payment by Friday as we discussed on “X” date.”
Tip 2: If your ex agrees to a change in the custody schedule, make sure to note the specifics in writing: dates, times, and conditions.
Tip 3: If your ex resists written agreements, stay persistent but polite. Remind them that this is for everyone’s clarity and benefit.
Step 5: Filing a Motion to enforce the agreement or Order with the Court (When You’ve Had Enough)
Every state has a process for filing a motion if one party is not following their legal obligations. While going to court is not anyone’s favorite activity, it is surprisingly straightforward. If you have tried to resolve things with your ex directly and they are still not complying, this is the route to go.
Tip 1: Look up your state’s requirements for filing a motion. Most states have forms available online, and the process is typically outlined in easy-to-follow steps. If you need help with this process, consult with an attorney.
Tip 2: Before filing, try one last attempt to solve things outside of court. But if your ex still is not compliant, do not hesitate. This can be done directly between you and your ex, or with the assistance of an attorney.
Tip 3: When preparing to file, make sure you have all your documentation (those texts, emails, and notes) ready to go. The clearer your evidence, the smoother the process will be. If you feel overwhelmed by the process, hire an attorney to be by your side every step of the way.
Final Thoughts
Navigating post-divorce life is not easy, and it can feel downright exhausting when you cannot seem to break free from conflicts with your ex. But by staying organized, keeping emotions in check, and knowing your rights, you can make the process as smooth as possible. And remember—sometimes, Court is the best solution when agreements are not being kept.
Good luck! You’ve got this.
– Anonymous Client
“Through the Client’s Eye” blog series stems from the desire of Modern Legal clients to share information to those who have yet to endure a family law matter. Each client’s story is exquisitely unique; however, there are many times when a client will say at the end of the case, “I wish I had known…” This blog series focuses on filling that gap as a means to help anyone who is about to start or is in the midst of a family law dispute. The comments contained in each blog reflect the feelings and viewpoint of the respective client. All identifying information has been withheld to protect said client’s identity as well as any related legal matter.
