It’s Back to School time for the Kids – now what?
“Back to School” time for children is bittersweet for most families. By the time August rolls around, many kids are bored with their summer and ready to see friends, participate in extracurricular activities, and get back to learning. And, for many parents, they are ready for the kids to return to the day-to-day schedule of school again. But, with children of separated or divorced parents, if not handled appropriately, a child’s return to school may have an added strain of anxiety that can and should be avoided.
As attorneys providing advice, we often tell our clients “Look, your kids will be fine so long as you and the other parent project a unified front.” But, if your children sense the bickering, arguing, or indifference toward each other – even out-of-sight of the child – the children become anxious. Remember, children, at their core, are people pleasers and sponges of the world around them. They want to please their parents and take the anxiety they feel from a parent as being their own fault in some way.
Starting school or returning to school can be an nerve-wrecking time for any child and parents. The last thing children need is for their parents to be arguing about who pays for school supplies, who is taking them school shopping, how they are getting to and from school, where are they going after school, and who is making lunch…amongst a myriad of other questions that could pop into a child’s mind.
What can you do when school issues arise? Well, the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath. It will be okay.
The next thing you need to do is consider what is happening from your child’s perspective. Work with the other parent to divvy up shopping for school supplies and clothes. If you can, handle it before school starts. If that’s not possible, then handle it once your child gets the list from school. If the other parent will not assist with the school supplies, then take care of them on your own…and please do not vent to your child about how the other parent is not helping out. Your child doesn’t need to hear that their mother or father would not help purchase the supplies or clothes. Just take care of it, the best you can, and work with the other parent about the importance of presenting a unified front for your child. Outside the child’s presence, feel free to shake your head at the nonsense, let it roll off your shoulders and move on. Even grab a drink with your friend to vent (again, outside of the presence of your child). You can’t force someone to do the right thing if their mind has already been made up.
If your child is anxious about the parenting schedule once school starts, post a calendar on the refrigerator so your child can see exactly where he or she will be every day. If possible, share that calendar with the other parent and ask that parent to also put it on the refrigerator so the child can see it. There are plenty of online calendars and apps that can assist in this regard. And, if the other parent won’t agree to do it, then shake your head at the nonsense, let it roll off your shoulders and move on (again, outside of the presence of your child).
Your kids should not hear or sense your frustration if you simply cannot work together with the other parent. And yes, sometimes you may not be able to manage the financial impact if you have a parent who will not assist with these basic needs. In that instance, you may have to file a child support action in order to get some financial assistance.
And, don’t forget the parent portal! It can be so useful to track your child’s progress at school and to plan ahead. For children attending Charlotte Mecklenburg Schools, click here. And, it’s likely there is an online portal for other schools in the area as well. Make sure you ask about it at your child’s school.
If you and the other parent cannot work out a parenting schedule that allows for a smooth transition between households, there are a number of resources available – including the establishment of a parenting schedule by agreement or court order.
It can be difficult being a school-aged child of separated parents, but it will be okay if you and the other parent make a commitment to each other that you will make it okay for your children. There are plenty of options available to you that do not involve litigation, and will assist you and the other parent with coming to terms regarding a parenting schedule that works for your family.
Your family will be most successful if you can learn to get along, for the kids’ sakes. And you may have to shake your head at the nonsense but also move on for your kids’ sakes. And if needed, a family law attorney can help you navigate a child support or child custody matter.
If you or someone you know wants to learn more about Parenting Arrangements and Child Custody, our Modern Legal Team is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Prior to practicing family law, I worked for many years in the financial industry. While I enjoyed this career in business, I wanted to do more – I wanted to make an impact on the lives of my community that would empower my clients throughout the test of time. I wanted to work to make lives better and inspire people to make important decisions for themselves and for their families. I completed my undergraduate degree in Business at Queens University in Charlotte, North Carolina. Eighteen years later (2003) I received my law degree from Syracuse University College of Law. And, for over fifteen years, I have represented children through the Council For Children’s Rights Custody Advocacy Program.
