You and your spouse have decided that getting a separation is the best way to move forward – now how do you share this with the children? This question comes up often. While the conversation is not comfortable, there is a way forward.
- Appear United. Appearing united when it comes to the children is important, even if your gut is telling you to distance yourself from your soon-to-be ex. The appearance of unity can show that although things are changing, both parents will continue working together for the children’s benefit. In deciding when to have the discussion, be sure to choose a time where there are no other distractions and everyone is able to focus on the conversation. For some, physically being present together may not be possible. Be creative and consider joining a virtual meeting, or each parent having the conversation with the children at separate times and locations, but saying the same thing.
- Use Age-Appropriate Language. The way you explain things to your teenager is not how you will explain your separation to your preschooler. Younger children do better with simple, direct language that focuses on what is staying the same for them, while older children can handle a bit more detail. Neither of them should be given all the details – that is not necessary and should be avoided. The focus should be that each of you as parents love them and will continue to love and support them. If you need help coming up with the appropriate wording or tone – reach out to a mental health professional with experience in helping children and parents through separation and divorce.
- Reassure the Children that it is Not Their Fault. Internalization is a response that is common for children of all ages, but more so for younger children. As often as you need to – make sure they continuously hear that the separation is an adult decision and is not because of anything the children have done or not done.
- Highlight the Things that Remain the Same. Stability in the face of change is what is truly important. Be sure to highlight for your child what about their life will stay the same, and encourage the child to be involved on what they want to stay the same or change.
- Validate Their Feelings and Remain Open for Ongoing Conversations. Not every child is ready to discuss what they are feeling right away. Nor is every child ready to discuss any details of the separation or divorce. Each child will process differently. Your children will have their own individual feelings about this new change in the family. Give them the space to have and express those feelings. Encourage your children to come and talk with you when they are ready. The encouragement of open communication about what they are feeling will help them during this process.
Children, no matter their age, are perceptive and have the ability to adapt and cope with many of life’s changes. They just need your support and unconditional love. Taking these suggestions and sharing open communications with a mental health professional are great ways to give your children the tools and environment they need to best adapt to a separation and divorce.
If you or somebody you know is navigating a separation or divorce, our team at Modern Legal is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina and South Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Tiffany A. Byrd
Family is at the heart of everything I do, both personally and professionally. As a Family Law Attorney, I combine my passion for helping others with my unique journey—from growing up as the eldest child in a single-parent household to becoming the first attorney in my family. My experiences shaped my dedication to advocating for families in their most critical moments. Whether you’re building, protecting, or securing your family’s future, I’m here to help you find meaningful resolutions tailored to your needs.
