Through the Client’s Eye:
I’m Having a Pity Party and Everyone is Invited
I love the onset of Fall in North Carolina – when the weather is just cool enough to wear a jacket but still a little too warm to let go of the flip flops. I love when all things pumpkin and apple are available in my favorite coffee shops and bakeries. I love when seasonal decorations are spotted throughout my neighborhood. I even like Daylight Savings time both for the extra hour of sleep guaranteed on one night of the year and the feeling that there is suddenly more time in the evening than there actually may be. There are so many aspects of the season that I enjoy; yet as my first Fall after my divorce, I recognize that I’m entering my first holiday season as a single, divorced woman…with a bunch of “plus-one invitations” to seasonal celebrations and parties.
The feeling of pity became overwhelming as I drove to a wedding on an abnormally cold Saturday…by myself. Alone. Solo. During my 90-minute drive to the wedding venue, I called my mom to keep myself distracted. An innocent distraction quickly turned into a full-on pity party for myself. Yes, divorce was the safe and positive decision given the circumstances once my marriage became toxic and ultimately unwanted; yet at the same time, the feeling being divorced felt so negative. I had been married for half of my life and always had a plus-one to events. Being solo and headed to a Fall wedding was strange. Naturally, my mom listened to me feeling sorry for myself and then allowed me to express my displeasure for my former spouse. She validated my feelings and then very gently reminded me how important it was for me to connect with others who understood exactly what I was feeling; other divorcees.
To maintain a positive trajectory for your attitude and mental health as you transition from married to divorced, make a point to:
Find Your New Network: My mom had a point – my divorced friends understand even when I did not have the words to express what I was feeling. They understand the emotions, grief and ups and downs in the process of finding yourself after divorce. They understand that feeling of loneliness and attending a wedding without a plus one. You do not even have to find the words to explain…because they already understand.
Stay Positive: When venting or seeking advice from your new network, make it a point to remain as positive as possible. While those who understand what you are experiencing can be great support, if you are not careful you may become overly focused on the negative aspects of this new chapter of your life. I know, there are a lot of negatives. But there are more positives, and that is why you are no longer with your ex-spouse. If you made the choice to end your marriage, focus on the sense of peace, hope, and new beginnings. Stay in that positive space as much as possible. It is time for you to smile, you deserve it.
Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable: This plus-one event I attended solo will not be the last one, and that is okay. When I arrived, I felt extremely uncomfortable but soon found myself having great conversations with great people, sat by a beautiful fire and even sang karaoke – something I never would have done with my former plus-one.
As you navigate your new life after divorce, find a new network, stay positive, and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Allow yourself to have a pity party every once in a while. You’re human. You WILL experience many highs and many lows, and that is all normal. But most of all, allow yourself to enjoy all the seasons. Everything is going to be okay. I promise.
– Anonymous Client
“Through the Client’s Eye” blog series stems from the desire of Modern Legal clients to share information to those who have yet to endure a family law matter. Each client’s story is exquisitely unique; however, there are many times when a client will say at the end of the case, “I wish I had known…” This blog series focuses on filling that gap as a means to help anyone who is about to start or is in the midst of a family law dispute. The comments contained in each blog reflect the feelings and viewpoint of the respective client. All identifying information has been withheld to protect said client’s identity as well as any related legal matter.
