I found myself awake way too early on a Saturday morning recently. I was attempting to make some decisions on upcoming events; nothing too serious and definitely nothing life changing. These decisions paled in comparison to the big decision I made a year and half ago to end the marriage I had invested in for two decades. The current decision before me should have been the “easy stuff.” The decision to be made: which pumpkin patch to visit with my children and their friends. We looked forward to this every year, but in contemplating something fun and simple, I found myself paralyzed.
Why would such an “easy” decision produce so much anxiety and stress? Naturally, I turned to Google to figure out what was going on.
I found that the average adult makes approximately 35,000 decisions a day. But what if you’re a single adult who has endured a separation or divorce? How many more decisions are you making as the head of your household? How about the decisions made outside of the home in your professional life, the decisions required of your job? I could not decide on which pumpkin patch to visit because I had encountered decision-making fatigue.
Every single decision that comes out of my household now comes from me – whether it revolves around me, my children, our finances, our outings, and many other day-to-day decisions. Could this be why I almost lose my mind every time someone asks “what are we having for dinner tonight?” That’s yet another decision required of me.
As a result of my decision-making fatigue, I formulated the following plan:
- Delegate Decisions: Where possible, find an alternative person to make the decision. For example: Deciding dinner in my household is stressful, but I have kids that are perfectly capable of deciding what’s for dinner. I’ve passed this decision onto the kids by allowing them to each pick four meals that they love, and I add those to a calendar. With shared custody, those combined meal decisions cover a month of dinners if I cook them each twice a month. This also leaves space for us to go out to eat a few times a month. And guess who gets to decide where we are going to eat out? I drive, and the kids decide. It’s a win/win situation. For my friends without children, meal delivery services help to a similar capacity.
- Timeline Decisions: Throughout the divorce process I had to train myself to stay in the present moment. Thinking too far into the future can cause anxiety with too many unknowns, too many “what if’s.” Intentionally decide to live minute to minute until you can move to hour to hour, day to day and possibly month to month. Figure out which decisions need to be made in this minute as compared to decisions you can make next month. If they can be delayed, jot them down on a “later list.” Figure out tactics to eliminate the need to make ALL of the decisions at one time. The process of timelining decisions can be very helpful and ease anxiety. I find myself jotting things I need to decide on Post It Notes and categorizing those. I stick them to my kitchen cabinets for easy organization. One cabinet contains Post Its of decisions to be made in the next few days, the next cabinet lays out the decisions to be made in the next few weeks, and then the next within the next few months. As a bonus, this layout often helps inform my budget as well.
- Financial Decisions: If you are reading this, you may have invested in an attorney to assist you in the legal process of separation or divorce. With this investment comes a financial obligation to your attorney that you have committed to for a number of months, if not years depending on your unique circumstances. Invest in a budgeting tool that helps you maximize your monthly income. Delegating decisions and timelining decisions can positively (or negatively) impact your financial decisions. You will be exhausted throughout this process and you will be strapped for cash at times because attorneys, paralegals and mediators possess some valuable expertise. Making important financial decisions is critical and will impact your family in many ways. Any decision you make should align to and reinforce your financial priorities. I have found great success with different financial and budgeting apps which help me track every dollar spent to help me make wise financial decisions.
Remember, the average adult makes 35,000 decisions a day. Based on my experience, the adult enduring separation or divorce may be tasked with making twice as many decisions. What strategies can you implement to reduce the decision making required of you and still gain favorable outcomes in life? Try carving out time with yourself in the next week to start delegating and timelining decisions. More importantly, take this time to reduce your anxiety and stress as much as possible!
– Anonymous Client
“Through the Client’s Eye” blog series stems from the desire of Modern Legal clients to share information to those who have yet to endure a family law matter. Each client’s story is exquisitely unique; however, there are many times when a client will say at the end of the case, “I wish I had known…” This blog series focuses on filling that gap as a means to help anyone who is about to start or is in the midst of a family law dispute. The comments contained in each blog reflect the feelings and viewpoint of the respective client. All identifying information has been withheld to protect said client’s identity as well as any related legal matter.
