Talking to your children about domestic violence is one of the hardest conversations you may ever have—but it’s also one of the most important. When I left my marriage after 16 years of abuse, my children were 9 and 15. I had to find a way to explain what was happening while making sure they felt safe and supported. If you’re in a similar situation, here’s how to approach this conversation in three simple steps:
1. Keep It Honest, but Age-Appropriate
Your children don’t need all the painful details, but they do need to understand the truth in a way they can process.
- For younger kids (like my 9-year-old), I focused on safety: “Sometimes, grown-ups don’t treat each other kindly. I had to make a choice that keeps us safe and healthy.”
- For teens (like my 15-year-old), I was a little more direct: “There were things happening in our home that weren’t okay. I stayed for a long time trying to fix them, but I realized we needed a better, safer life.”
This gives them clarity without overwhelming them.
2. Reassure Them It’s Not Their Fault
Children often blame themselves for family problems. Be very clear:
- “You did nothing wrong. This is not your fault.”
- “I love you, and my job is to keep you safe.”
Let them know their feelings—whether confusion, sadness, or anger—are normal and okay.
3. Encourage a Healthy Relationship with Both Parents
Unless their other parent is dangerous to the children, it’s okay for them to love and maintain a relationship with both parents. Often, this is the hardest part, especially for the victim of abuse.
- Avoid negative talk about your ex in front of the children. Instead, say: “Your relationship with your other parent is yours to figure out, and I’ll always support you.”
- If they struggle with mixed emotions, remind them: “You’re allowed to love both of us, even if we don’t live together.”
Leaving was the best decision for my children and me. If you’re in this position, take it step by step. Lead with honesty, love, and reassurance. Your kids will remember how you made them feel safe—and that will matter most.
– Anonymous Client
“Through the Client’s Eye” blog series stems from the desire of Modern Legal clients to share information to those who have yet to endure a family law matter. Each client’s story is exquisitely unique; however, there are many times when a client will say at the end of the case, “I wish I had known…” This blog series focuses on filling that gap as a means to help anyone who is about to start or is in the midst of a family law dispute. The comments contained in each blog reflect the feelings and viewpoint of the respective client. All identifying information has been withheld to protect said client’s identity as well as any related legal matter.
Inspired by her own experiences with domestic violence and the family court system, Theresa E. Viera became the first lawyer in her family, graduating from the University of North Carolina School of Law. She has dedicated her career to helping families find healthy solutions through various legal tools, including negotiations, mediation, collaborative law, and litigation when necessary. With years of experience in Family Law, she strives to inspire others and make a positive impact on the lives of her clients, just as her mother’s attorney once inspired her.
