Reducing Stress Experienced by Children During Family Law Disputes
The holidays – a time of holiday gatherings, time with people we care about, and let’s be honest – a time of stress. Add to the equation shared parenting arrangements due to separation or divorce which leads to increased stress on everyone. The additional logistics, forced interaction between parents who may not have figured out how to most effectively communicate with each other, and a change in regular routines all add to the stress felt by all involved, most importantly the children.
Ongoing stress can negatively impact a child’s ability to concentrate at school, a child’s ability to form positive relationships with others, and a child’s physical well-being – such as stomach issues, headaches, and sleeping issues to name a few. Stress experienced by a child can even increase the chances of long-term physical and mental health issues into adulthood. If you are in currently involved in or recently went through a child custody dispute there are things you can do to help limit the stress felt by the children involved.
Tips to Reduce a Child’s Stress:
- Create a routine and work on remaining calm especially when your children is with you. Children thrive on predictability – so even though things around them may be chaotic at the moment, making sure time with you is as calm and enjoyable as possible is key to reducing their stress levels. Before an exchange, try making plans on something fun to do when the child comes back to your home. It can give them something to look forward to and help foster the idea that things will be ok.
- Focus on your child when they are with you. Navigating parenting between two households can be extremely difficult, especially when you and the other parent are not on the same page about how things should be handled. Worrying about or trying to control what happens in the other parent’s home will not only negatively impact your ability to enjoy time with your child, but your worries will become your child’s worries. Your stress becomes your child’s stress.
- Maintain consistent boundaries with your child. Children need consistency and limits – especially when there is a period of transition. Allowing your child to know all the details of your legal situation or putting them in the middle of ongoing family disputes can be detrimental not only to your child’s well-being but also to your legal matter should you appear in front of a Judge. The Court does not like reports of children knowing specific details about any ongoing litigation matters, especially if such evidence suggests that the children are being made to “pick sides.” It is always best to keep the “adult things” between the adults and to make sure the children know they are allowed to love each parent.
- Make sure you create a safe space for children to share their feelings. Parents generally want to protect their children; however, the reverse is also true: Children want to protect their parents. If children feel a parent will get upset by hearing about their feelings (whether negative or positive especially when involving the other parent), children may choose to keep it bottled up – increasing the stress they are carrying. Letting your children know it is okay to talk could give them the relief they need to feel better. If you are not in a position to hear your child’s feelings in a healthy way – that is perfectly understandable especially if the break-up or divorce is fresh. A great alternative is to find a counselor or someone trained to help create this safe space for your children.
No one said going through child custody disputes was easy, and it will take time for the new routines and traditions to develop. Be patient and understand that while things may be difficult right now, it does not mean they will remain that way. Most importantly, remember that the more stability and composure you can show the children, the better off they will be – and ultimately, you as well.
If you and your children are experiencing a stressful family law dispute, our Modern Legal team is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Tiffany A. Byrd
