Sink or Swim – Diving into Divorce
Prior to my divorce and separation, I was the “Michael Phelps” of organization. I never missed a beat; always knowing what was coming next and was consistently at least a week ahead on due dates at work. I felt my coordination skills exceeded in comparison to all 23 of his Olympic gold medals (in addition to his three silver and two bronze medals). This ability to keep life in order was partially due to some hard-core self-discipline and my desire to achieve, but also there was the need to feel in control of what I could in my life since I knew my marriage was failing.
I had mastered the butterfly swim stroke…until I decided to separate, and it became almost impossible to even tread water. Through many sinking moments, I finally charted what I needed in order to keep life moving smoothly and what could prove useful for anyone going through divorce:
1. Define Priorities: When you are dealing with divorce, everything is urgent. You need to commit to schedules and tasks as they relate to your attorney, your family, your job, and yourself. Write everything down. I used different colored Post Its and wrote one commitment or task per Post It. Color coding really helped me. My purple Post Its were all things I needed to do for my attorney or dates when I needed to be in mediation or court. I tracked those separate from the green Post Its which represented everything related to my budget. Color coding also helped me recall things I had written down. I could visualize the things according to color much better than dumping everything down on a sheet of paper. From 5pm-6pm (just before it was time to cook dinner for my family), I would review my Post Its and add things to the calendar as needed or prep things required of each note.
2. Set Timelines: Take everything that is urgent (everything you put on a Post It note) and categorize them into what needs to be done today, this week, this month, and this year. Deal with what needs to be done immediately and save the rest for later. Keep adding to these categories and soon enough those things that need to be done today will dwindle and you’ll feel more confident and gain momentum in getting things done moving forward. I always keep a “Later List” as well. These are the things that I know need to happen, but I have no idea when (or how) at the moment. It is so important to take things minute by minute in the beginning and not look too far into the future…yet. You’ll be able to do that again soon, but for now you can just focus on one day at a time or one Post It Note at a time.
3. Ask for Help: Remember the “gold medal status” I had prior to my separation? Part of that nobility meant I did not think I could ask for help. Everyone saw me as SO together. I WAS together…which is what made it so difficult when everything fell apart. I thought I had to deal with all of my Post Its by myself in order to show how strong I was and that is when I started to drown. Ask for help. Ask a parent, a sibling, a friend, a neighbor, or another person you trust for help. Being brave enough to ask for help is a gold medal in itself. You cannot go through divorce alone.
Michael Phelps reminds us that even the most mentally tough people need help from time to time. As you work through the process of separation and divorce you will have good days and not so good days. Some days you won’t even make it into the water, but each day you will inch your way to the podium and eventually regain your medal status in life. You’ve got this!
Personal Recommendation:
If you have decided that legal separation and divorce is your pathway, keep your head above water. You may experience forgetfulness and/or the inability to accomplish tasks that were once easy. Decide on an organizational system that keeps you on track. Dedicate at least an hour each day to updating your organizational system to ensure you are on top of your obligations to your attorney, your family, your finances, and your job. I personally love all Google applications.
– Anonymous Client
“Through the Client’s Eye” blog series stems from the desire of Modern Legal clients to share information to those who have yet to endure a family law matter. Each client’s story is exquisitely unique; however, there are many times when a client will say at the end of the case, “I wish I had known…” This blog series focuses on filling that gap as a means to help anyone who is about to start or is in the midst of a family law dispute. The comments contained in each blog reflect the feelings and viewpoint of the respective client. All identifying information has been withheld to protect said client’s identity as well as any related legal matter.
