The Child Custody Arrangement is Final –
Why am I still fighting?
Child custody is an area where emotions run high. When you reach a final child custody order or agreement, the hope is that there can be a de-escalation of tensions and accommodation of the new parenting arrangement. The order or agreement lays out physical custody (i.e. defines where the child is physically) and legal custody (i.e. defines who can make long-term welfare decisions for the child); so everything should calm down now right?
Unfortunately, especially after a high conflict litigation mater, this is not the case. Even with many parameters being set by the order or agreement, arguments may still continue.
Taking additional steps after a child custody order can help:
Legal Custody Conflicts and Third Parties: Often times, additional fighting comes when one parent takes advantage of a third party’s lack of knowledge around decision making or legal custody. Share the specifics of the custody order or agreement with necessary and trusted third parties. While it may feel odd at first, keeping third parties abreast of the situation is necessary to avoid issues in the future. For example: If one parent has final decision-making authority for medical decisions and the other has final decision-making authority for educational decisions, it will be important for the respective professionals to know who to turn to for a response to related questions. In comparison, if there is a joint legal custody situation, the third party will know that they cannot proceed without the input of both parties.
Behavior at Child Exchanges: The most important thing is to remain calm. When exchanges are volatile or cause disruption, additional safeguards may be need to defuse future issues. If tensions increase because an exchange is occurring at one parent’s home, a public location may prove helpful. If the exchanges are to occur at a school or daycare, it may be helpful to discuss the exchange schedule with the staff. There may even be a procedure that the respective school or daycare likes to utilize to ensure only one parent is present at any given time. Additionally, having a third-party witness may help keep a check on everyone’s behavior; on the flipside, it is also possible that a third-party may only create more tension. Therefore, any adjustments and ideas to employ during the child exchanges should be discussed with your attorney and respective professionals to ensure what is best for the children.
When All Else Fails: If the custody order or agreement is no longer working in the best interests of the children, then modification may be appropriate. You should first attempt everything possible before requesting a modification as the litigation process takes a toll on all parties and children involved; however, sometimes there is no other choice. It will be paramount to any modification request to show how the current order is causing significant harm to the child and how the modification being requested would remedy that harm. Modifications require a “substantial change of circumstances” that affect the children; therefore, the Court will not simply change an arrangement based solely on one party’s desires. Rather, it is best to discuss with your attorney all tools possible to further what is best for your child.
If you are enduring a high conflict custody matter, our Modern Legal team is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Tiffany A. Byrd
Family is at the heart of everything I do, both personally and professionally. As a Family Law Attorney, I combine my passion for helping others with my unique journey—from growing up as the eldest child in a single-parent household to becoming the first attorney in my family. My experiences shaped my dedication to advocating for families in their most critical moments. Whether you’re building, protecting, or securing your family’s future, I’m here to help you find meaningful resolutions tailored to your needs.
