Overcoming and escaping an abusive relationship is profoundly challenging, particularly when there are children involved and a divorce is imminent. As a family law attorney, stories of abuse are common and often cited as one of a multitude of reasons that someone is seeking a separation and divorce. My ultimate goal is to provide clear, actionable guidance to help you or someone you love navigate these turbulent times in a safe and productive manner.
Step 1: Recognize the Abuse
Abuse (also referenced as “Domestic Violence”) can take many forms—verbal, mental, physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or psychological. Recognizing abuse is a critical first step. Unfortunately, many people caught in an abusive or otherwise unhealthy relationship may not have a clear perspective or viewpoint from which to identify the abusive characteristics of their relationship. Simply put, our realities can often create a certain form of “glasses” through which we see the world, and abusive characteristics become normalized and part of the “backdrop” over time.
To identify patterns of potential abuse, begin by keeping a record and documenting things that may not feel right in your gut. This could include instances of different comments being made or possibly incidents of physical aggression. Include dates, times, and details of what occurred. Not only will this documentation be instrumental in helping recognize abuse, it may also be utilized in any future legal proceedings, especially in protective order or child custody matters.
Step 2: Safety First
The first goal should always be safety, as your safety and the safety of your children are paramount. If you believe you are in immediate danger, then contact local law enforcement, domestic violence support services or shelter, a trusted loved one, or at the very least a crisis hotline. In instances of immediate need for help, urgent support is available.
*The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 (Available 24/7)
Also, consider creating a safety plan and a “Go-Bag. ” This includes:
– Identifying safe places for you and your children.
– Essential personal items packed in case you need to leave quickly.
• At least two sets of clothing and a pair of shoes.
• First Aid Kit.
• Disposable or Digital Camera with extra batteries (in particular to take pictures of any injuries which may been inflicted by the abuser).
• Cash and prepaid credit/gift cards.
• Prepaid cell phone or a cell phone with a new contract and phone number with charging cord. Keep it charged. Remember: even if your cell phone no longer has a plan, you can still dial 911.
• Spare set of keys.
• Current medications and prescriptions for you and your children.
• Birth Certificates and Social Security Cards (or at least copies thereof).
• Driver’s License and/or Passports.
• Custody, marriage, and divorce documents.
• Restraining orders or other Legal documents.
• Health Insurance cards and medical records.
• Keepsakes.
– Contact information for your family members, trusted friends, your attorney, your accountant, your doctor, and anyone else in your support network.
Step 3: Identify your Trusted Support Systems
Regardless if you are just starting the process or you are in the midst of a full-fledged custody and legal battle, professional and personal support who understand the intricacies of domestic violence and domestic abuse can prove invaluable. This might include therapists, social workers, and victim support groups in addition to your family law attorney.
Step 4: Learn More about Available Legal Protections and Processes
There are several legal protections and processes to help anyone experiencing abuse. In North Carolina (as in many other states), this specifically refers to:
– Restraining Order or Domestic Violence Order of Protection – This is a court order that can prohibit contact from an abusive spouse. This order can provide for a number of other protections as well, to include granting possession of the marital residence to the abusive victim or survivor and temporary child custody.
– Emergency Child Custody Protections – If a child is at a substantial risk of physical or sexual abuse, or if a child is facing the risk of removal from North Carolina by an abusive parent for the purpose of avoiding the authority of the North Carolina courts, then it is possible that emergency child custody protections apply.
– Temporary Child Support and Postseparation Support Protections – Financial Abuse is often a characteristic of domestic violence situations. These claims are available to get financial support to a survivor, for the benefit and financial support of the children or a dependent spouse.
Consulting with your family law attorney can ensure that all claims available to you are pursued in accordance with the law and in a timely fashion.
Step 5: Moving Forward
The road ahead may seem daunting, and simply put, it is. Understanding your legal rights and options is critical to securing your safety and the safety of your children. Remember, you are not alone, and help is available. Your family law attorney can be a pivotal part of your support system, offering not only legal assistance but also guidance on other resources that can help you through this process.
By identifying the abuse, figuring out your next steps with your support system, and by initiating the appropriate steps with a trusted family law attorney by your side, you are on the road to securing a better future for you and your children. With the right preparations and support, you can navigate this challenging time with confidence.
If you or someone you know wants to learn more about a Navigating an Abusive Relationship amidst Divorce or Child Custody dispute, our Modern Legal Team is here to help.
Please note: these educational materials are based on North Carolina law where my legal practice is based. While the insights may have wide applicability, readers should consult with an attorney regarding the specific laws in their state or country.
Written by: Theresa E. Viera
