Despite my choice to end my marriage, I am very much a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to feel loved. I want everyone to like me. I want harmony. I want to be involved in all the things.
This desire translated to years and years of saying YES – Yes to a marriage that needed a no; Yes to activities that I did not always have time to participate in; Yes to volunteering for efforts that required my time and talent but crippled my free time and downtime. I had said yes to so many activities that drained my energy over the years that I realized I had to refocus my energy in order to survive my divorce.
Nothing quite wakes you up to the limited energy you have like a divorce. I have finally given myself permission to protect my time by saying “no.” Functioning as a single parent has been challenging in some ways, but rewarding in many more. I now give my best waking hours to my family, friends, and work. You may be feeling guilty about your separation or divorce and its impact on your former productivity, enthusiasm for extracurricular activities, and “yes” time. But what I realized on the other end of divorce is that I felt compelled to over commit in an effort to feel whole or fulfilled when there were so many other holes in my world.
Best lesson I learned: Practice saying no.
Protect yourself and your time as you work through a major life changing event so you can be present for the things that take the strongest priority in your life. Here are a few tips to consider in learning how to say no:
- Keep your “no” short and sweet: If you are asked to lead, participate, attend or otherwise do something that you simply do not have the energy for, say “no” and nothing else. You do not owe anyone an explanation. If the one word is a bit abrupt for the situation, try a simple “thank you so much for asking, but I am unable to _____ at this time.” Let the period on the statement be declarative and move on. Feel free to politely and kindly repeat the statement if you are pushed.
- Take your time: If you are asked to commit any of your resources to something (time, talent, money, etc.), let people know you have to “check your calendar.” This gives you time to truly check your calendar, weigh the pros and cons of the time commitment, and to reflect on whether you truly want to spend your energy on this activity. Take the time you need to build the courage to say no. This allows you to role play the “no” with a friend if needed. If you are not good at delivering the “no” verbally, craft an email or text that expresses your desires in a manner you deem fitting. Save the email or text as a draft until the time is right to deliver it.
- Offer another option: Adults appreciate choice, so create it for yourself if needed. If someone makes an ask of you, take control of the situation by offering an alternative as a “no.” I am often asked to give my time to in-person volunteer efforts for a number of organizations I have volunteered with in the past. I have trained myself to offer an alternative such as working on graphics, making phone calls, or doing other things that can be done on my own timeline. I’m still able to contribute but I have control over the specific time commitment and activity I do. I commit time to an activity after the kids have gone to bed, on a weekend, or super early in the morning before anyone is awake. I find that I spend less time overall while still contributing valuable volunteer efforts. Especially as a single parent working full-time, utilizing every minute in a day is crucial.
- Make them take “no” for an answer: At the end of the day, your boundaries should be respected. And if the polite and kind “no” does not work, then restate “no” in an affirmative and confident manner. “No” is a complete sentence. Do not give in to guilt trips or any other form of manipulation that makes you feel like you have to say yes. Your time, your boundaries, and your life are too important.
As you work through a separation and/or divorce it may take you more time than usual to complete normal tasks. You may require extra sleep. You may need some additional down time. You may simply need more “me” time. Help yourself create this space by developing strategies that allow you to protect your time and energy. Eventually, more free time will present itself in the future. Everyone you used to say “yes” to will still be there waiting and willing to accept your time when you are ready.
– Anonymous Client
“Through the Client’s Eye” blog series stems from the desire of Modern Legal clients to share information to those who have yet to endure a family law matter. Each client’s story is exquisitely unique; however, there are many times when a client will say at the end of the case, “I wish I had known…” This blog series focuses on filling that gap as a means to help anyone who is about to start or is in the midst of a family law dispute. The comments contained in each blog reflect the feelings and viewpoint of the respective client. All identifying information has been withheld to protect said client’s identity as well as any related legal matter.
